5 months!

Happy 5 month Birthday (yesterday)!

Dealing with it

"Midway in our life's journey, I went astray from the straight road and woke to find myself alone in a dark wood."
-Dante, The Inferno

As I've approached this, the second anniversary of Evie's birth, I've not been able to articulate how I feel now about it. The second year of this grief journey has certainly been full of pain revisited but much healing as well. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling for the last few days that I was slowly approaching a dark place-- that daylight was slowly setting with the son as I approached shadowy woods. I would say that it is because this time of the year a different kind of pain is retouched. The general "ache" of Evie's absence is always with me, but at this time I feel the pit in my stomach at the memory of our trauma.

I enjoy remembering the happiness of Evie's birth. It was one of the few times in my life where I literally burst into tears of joy. That's a memory that cannot be taken from me. What does afflict me is the prospect of reliving the 21 days that followed-- the fear, the disorientation, and the trauma. We are glad to have so many people carry the memory and grief of Evie's life with us, and to celebrate with us the value of her life. But the trauma of those 21 days at Children's Memorial is something only Nicole and I understand.

For now, the task I have is embracing the memory of joy and the anticipation of our reunion at the end of time. These things ought to endure, while the troubles we suffered will pass away... and I will come out of these woods, and the pit in my stomach will pester me no longer.

We are a Family of Four

It's hard to believe Evangeline was born 2 years ago. In a way it seems like it couldn't have been that long ago, but it's also hard to remember life before her so in that was it seems like a very long 2 years. I've been stressing a little leading up to this day because I've wondered, how do you mark an occasion like this? November 17th, 2007 was a day of great joy, and I wish that I could just celebrate that joy, but instead all I can feel is what's missing.

I think I'll take the opportunity of her birthday to work with Matt to put all of her pictures into a album. Strangely, even though I have each and every picture of her printed and an album chosen, I have never completed that project. We will have the evening together as a family--please pray for us as we spend time remembering Evie on her special day.

-Nicole

Putting it all out there

I'm overweight. I have been as long as I can remember, but I've never weighed more than I do right now besides when I was pregnant. I think the fact that I've always been overweight made me not notice when I would gain more--sure, I felt fat in high school, but I would be thrilled to weigh now what I weighed then. After all, losing 40 pounds is a heck of a lot less daunting than losing 80. The fact is, I let it get away from me even though I think I've always thought that I could and would change. So why haven't I?

While I was pregnant and couldn't try to lose weight, I came up with a goal for myself. I turned 28 this summer, so the big three-oh is looming just around the corner and I want to be at my ideal weight by the time I reach that milestone. It's over a year and a half away, so it seems doable, but I have a LONG way to go. I need to lose 80 pounds to reach my ideal weight range, which sounds impossible! But I plan to take it 5 pounds at a time. A friend of mine who had a lot of success in weight loss recommended rewarding both small and large goals and that's what I plan to do!

I think putting this all in writing for the world (and by that I mean my 4 faithful blog readers) to see is my first step towards success. I think the reason I've generally failed to stay motivated is that I treat weight like money and politics--not pleasant or polite to talk about. But knowing that other people know that I'm trying will force me to get results so that I'll have something positive to report!

I've subscribed to Weight Watchers Online and it's my goal to log my food each day and stay within my daily points. Exercise is kind of tricky because now that I'm working and have Lucie, I don't have time for trips to the gym. But, I can walk with Lucie on days that it is nice enough to do so and I can do my workout DVDs in the comfort of my own home!

So here I go. Wish me luck!

3 months

This was supposed to go up yesterday, but we had technical difficulties. Happy Belated Birthday, Lu!

The second half of the slideshow has cute pictures taken by her Auntie Adrienne this past weekend. We had fun dressing Lucie up and doing a photo shoot, and Lucie had fun too (for about the first 5 minutes)! Thanks for your patience, Adrienne. :)

Lucinda is 3 Months old from Matt Kennedy on Vimeo.

Poop happens

"I'm naked because Mom had to strip me down and clean me up after a poop mishap in HER bed this morning! Oopsie Poopsie!"

Two Months

?Difacil o Facil?

You know those Geico caveman commercials? Forget the ill-fated sitcom about the cavemen, I'm talking about the commercials. For years they've made me literally laugh out loud. Somehow the joke doesn't get old as the commercials stay fresh and funny. Granted, its humor better suited for 30seconds rather than 30 minutes. We've been watching a lot of TV these days since Lucie arrived on the scene (as you can imagine, its been a little more difficult to get out with an infant around). There are a lot of crappy TV shows out there, but the Geico commercials make TV worthwhile.

Any honest parent will tell you that having a baby is hard. Everyday we come up with new questions and new mini-disasters befall us. Baby poops through her diaper, baby screams for three hours straight, baby wakes up every hour all night long... sometimes it seems like we don't have a clue what we're doing. Advice both solicited and not seems mostly ineffective. We scour our multiple books and scroll through endless websites for solutions but get muddled information and conflicting answers. There is a billion dollar industry that exists to convince you that to be a good parent you need to use certain gadgets to raise an intelligent and happy baby. There are also dozens if not hundreds of different "schools" of parenting that one must discern: ranging from "hippy-happy" granola parenting to authoritarian discipline and everything in between. Its enough to make your head spin. I start to wonder when I'll get the "bad parent" stamp on my hand.

But then I take a deep breath and remember that the human species has managed to perpetuate itself for thousands of years. Our ancestors didn't have all the newest baby gear nor were they schooled in scientific methods for raising children. Albert Einstein didn't have "Baby Einstien" products to nurture his infant brain. The reality is that we probably know very little about how to really raise our kids most effectively, but it still gets done. Its been done for millenia. I probably won't screw up too bad. Parenting, so easy a caveman can do it.

One month

EDIT: Oops, the videos were accidentally set to private. They should work now. :)

Lucie is one month old today. I feel like we've experienced so much already. We probably should have been taking more pictures, but for what its worth, here is a montage of her first month so far.

Also, the other day Nicole shot video of Lucie that shows off her athleticism.

One Week Birthday

Dear Lucie,

You're 1 week old today! We've learned so much about you this week. You've given us a hard time with sleep, until last night when you slept like a champ! We all felt so well rested that we took you to church this morning.

Other adventures have included your first pediatrician visit, a stroll around the neighborhood, a couple of baths, and a trip to a store. You've been a busy girl!

We love you!